I Was Missing

2017

Happy New Year. 2017, The Year of Victories. Finally, she got the revelation of God's love.

2016

By the end of 2016, I witnessed what I longed to see, her epiphany. Who is her you ask. My mother. Exhausted, desperate, and near the brink of destruction she fell into the arms of God who had always been there, but she had allowed her thoughts to cloud His arms.

For the past 34 years she had been relentless in her career, church, community, civic organizations, sorority, and just plain old service to humanity. I believe she was trying to wash away the guilt, shame, stain, and scars that always seemed ever present.

I've have hovered over her for the past four years watching her as she suffered the loss of father-in-law, mother-in-law, father, and mother, in that order. In between those deaths she lost cousins, aunts, nieces, and a sister-in-law. Some of those deaths came abruptly, some slow and painful. With each death she was reminded of me.

2015

I've counted numerous tick rocks on the clock waiting for her to get the revelation. Although I was invisible to her sight I knew if she would open her sense of touch, she would feel me. You see I was once a part of her, embedded in her womb. My DNA can be traced back to her

2014

Yes, I witnessed her growth in Christianity. I was there for her rebirth and submission to God. Yet, for what seemed like eternity, my born-again Christian Mother lived in bondage, trapped in that state called Unforgiveness, with me trapped with her.

2013

For years I watched her life unravel and unfold around her as she lived in the state of Unforgiveness.

2012

I could see her but she could not see me. Her eyes were open wide shut because of her guilt. Her ears were plugged to the whispers and crescendos from God because she could not forgive herself.

2011

She was nearsighted, and kept her past sin up close and personal.

She was also farsighted, and to her forgiveness was far far from her sight.

2010

Don't get me wrong there were times when she imitated a life in another state called Forgiveness; but, like a hotel guest you always return home or rather to the place you have taken up residency.

2009

It hurt me to the core to see her holding her breath waiting to exhale. Many times her downpour of tears rained like Niagara Falls over me. I've even felt bruises and pain from the beatings that she has over the years inflicted on herself. Escape routes were ever present but her store house of guilt blocked her vision and she could not x-ray herself through them.

2008

Oh how I prayed for her. And for me. You see as long as she was trapped, I too could not be totally free. My freedom was tied in her freedom.

You see we were once upon a time tied by an umbilical cord. We really had and still do have soul ties. The cord was severed but our souls never were.

2007

Too often she looked in the eyes of someone else's baby girl and wondered what could have been.

I could have been.

I could have been birthed destined for greatness.

But today I whisper “I forgive you, Mother.” I do.

2006-2001

She thought very little about the father who would never call me princess; therefore, I thought very little about him also. I guess because I was never carried in his womb (heart) we did not have the same connection. But I digress.

2000

She has a hysterectomy and hopes of replacing me dies. In the midst of billowing anguish, she recorded the following epiphany, an epic in her soul:

A Boar Shun… An Epic. Forgive me father for I knew not what to do. My river of tears

washed away any answers received by my heart from you. Desperate and alone I levied

the death sentence on the life incarcerated in my womb, to me, the tomb of gloom.

Somewhere I heard my heart cry for reconsideration, a pardon for the death row unknown.

My heartfelt objection was overruled. The pardon denied. Sentence to be carried out

immediately. Tick-tock boomed the clock as I was ushered hurriedly down the long hallway to

end the beginning. The air was thick with the scent of abandoned life. No pitter-patter of little

feet will be heard, only feet heavy-laden with the burden of execution. The room devoid of life

awaited my placement inside the prison bars. The executioner clothed in a doctor’s robe entered

and opened the bars that contained my lower half. He showed no compassion, only greed for his

scientific exploitation.

My shivering trembling body was an earthquake measuring five on the Richter Scale. The little

something given to calm my raging sea of emotions could not contain the waves of despair.

And yet I departed not. A Boar Shun silently stood accused without representation unprepared

for the day of execution. Not one word uttered by the accused. No final famous last words

before the blood bath began. Complete silence yelled in my ears. A Boar Shun knew not

he had feasted on his last supper.

Then it was time. Dr. Lethal Weapon began his assault on my seed wrapped in the warm blanket

of my womb soon to become a barren grave. The piercing penetration of the death tool ripped

my seed from his cocoon. My screams of bloody murder were heard only by the one who spilled

the blood. By the one who banished the thought. By the one who conquered the site of

innocence lost. Crazy degrees of pain led me to demand suicide as my seed was escorted to

join other scientific experiments.

Nonchalantly the executioner prepared for my departure. Checklist completed. Dismissed to the

memory lane of horror. Back down the long hallway without seed attached as one lone tear

lingered refusing to admit defeat by falling. I begged Father forgive me for I knew not what to

do. I knew not what to do. A Boar Shun.

1997

She has a myomectomy instead of a hysterectomy in hopes of replacing me.

1996-1987

She is forever searching as though I can be found on a milk carton. Yet, I am missing.

1986

She has received the gift of another man child. Yet, I am missing.

1985.

Missing.

1984

She has given birth to a man child. Yet, I am missing.

1983

She has found marital bliss. Yet, I am missing.

1982

You have never met me I have never met you. I am the unborn Whisper Epiphany. I was created; but, my creators did not allow this masterpiece to unfold before your eyes. I will never be my mother's baby and her best friend. Nor will I be my father's princess and my husband's queen. You see my life began and ended in my mother's womb. I whispered only until the epiphany of death.

BEFORE MY DEATH I HEARD MY MOTHER’S CRIES AND SILENT SCREAMS.

DID SHE HEAR MINE?

Copyright © Nita L. Chase 2017